agent number one: me, me, me

Let's see, let's see...
This is my first attempt at a personal blog in a very, very long time.

I'm not sure what to do with myself.
I'm not sure what to report.

Let's start out with: she-sends-kisses as a name.
That's from a song that I'm fond of by The Wrens.
Check it out sometime.

Don't judge it by the first time you hear it, either. I didn't like it too much the first time because it was a little hard to understand (but I fell in love with it because I was reading along with the lyrics page) and had to listen to it twice before I swore by it and was in love enough to make an account name off of it.

Anyway, let's get down to business.
What am I going to do?

I could go into the geeky stuff:
I roleplayed for a ridiculous amount of time today on Alonura with Zekaneth. It was a lot of fun and I love his player to death, she's always such a joy to play with and talk to OOC (even though I've hardly said a few things to her, this I regret a bit. I'd like to know her better). I hardly ever get to interact with Zekaneth ICly and OOCly so it's always so nice to have some time like that.

But then if I get into the geeky stuff, a small few of you (not that I imagine I'll get a huge fanbase...) will know what I'm talking about. Also, among those small few of you, you'd know that I don't freely converse about things that happen in game with my characters on my spare time.

So we can scratch out the things done on Karchan..
but what frustrates me is that Alonura can inspire me so damn much -- a lot of my characters wind up doing it -- and I can dish out some pretty big posts.. but when I go to write, you know, like deviantart-submission write...

Nothing is good enough for me.
But when I write poetry? I scribble it down and submit it without so much as editing too much of it because I'm just so content with it.

What the fuck is up with that?
I don't know either.

I can talk about the creative stuff, like I just started to.
I could say that I have deviantart.com and I advertise my angsty wrist-cutting poetry like a hooker.

Speaking of... the link up on the title is my account. Let's get a more official link!:
barking-at-cars dot deviant art dot com

Now that that's out of the way... let's get back to the geeky stuff real fast: Karchan.
What conflicts me from posting stories on deviantart (should I ever get satisfied with any of them) is that I know a lot of people from Karchan are on deviantart. The problem with that is that I don't talk to anyone from Karchan and I feel like I might be crossing some lines (and revealing some IC things OOCly) by posting stories on dA (also, you know, I've done so much angsty poetry that people might start getting the idea that I'm more than some emo kid).

Let me explain something real fast:
I talk to people who play Karchan but are also my friends. People from Karchan and Friends that play Karchan are two very different things for me.

I talk to the people from Karchan only if I have to. I try to make that pretty clear from the beginning that I do not hide my characters, I play as I'm inspired, and unless I'm dedicated to a conversation at hand, a person, or I need to talk to them, I'm going to probably be quiet. I don't spread OOC information from character to character or character to player and I don't relay direct messages from one person to another. I'm not a damn telephone and I'm sick of the drama.

I talk to friends that play Karchan a bit more regularly. I'm happy to see them online, I'm happy to IM them on my own and get IMs from them (Eri, sweetie, you are never bugging me.). I might be very quiet to both groups most times but I hope that they get the feeling that they can openly IM me whenever. Often times, people from either group can exchange, you know, like nothing's stagnant and ---

Jesus. Am I sounding pretentious?
I wonder about that.
I get like that when I write in journals, I notice the "I, I, I, me, me ,me" bullshit going on and I feel like.. isn't there anything else I can talk about? At the same time, I love reading about what people think and feel in their own journals.

Anyway.
Okay.

So, I feel like I've gone on and on enough about this stuff. Let's move on and I'll try not to notice me talking about myself.

Listen, I might use this journal as poems that might go up on dA or have been on it already. Bear with any angsty bullshit you read. When I'm about to die, when I'm about to kill someone, when I'm just out of the figurative sack with my lover (did she just say she has phonesex with her lover?.. no. not really. not until now. no, i won't elaborate now. anyway.) -- whatever, anyway -- when I'm feeling very passionate about something I usually don't vent it out at people and I just start cutting my wrists and writing the poetry in the blood and black eyeliner (I have blue eyes so, you know what, black eyeliner is fucking hot).

Anyway, don't be surprised if you see poetry floating around here! It's either me experimenting with one or have a little tidbit of words but nothing enough to make a post about. It could also just be me explaining one and what I was intending for/thinking about. I don't know. I guess I could do that on dA in the author's comments and shit but, you know, I think people reading the poem there are interpreting their own way and I get better comments from them and their thoughts. I don't want to interfere too much with what message I was really trying to get across.

I'm basically a bohemian, you know. I feel like I should've been in my prime in the '60s and '70s. Peace and love and a toke here and there, man. Rock and fucking roll.
...
(yes, seriously)

Well, actually.
I think that's going to be it about my first entry. There's a decent amount of information about me here that I think introduces the way I am and what I'm about (writing, writing, writing, love, love, love, music, music, music [no, I didn't ever really mention music in this entry until now but I love every genre and feel that there are a ton of great songs out there. past writing poetry, music is my next therapeutic outlet. I've played the cello since I was eleven and I'm very much thinking about an acoustic guitar.]) so I think that's good enough for now.

I'll probably do a few of those really fun "fill these out" surveys that people put on their blogs, too. I always had a kick doing those just out of boredom/fun when I had no where to post them. I can also make a post describing my eight cats and iguana. I'm thinking tomorrow's post will be about my pets and my job-situation in more detail.

I'm also thinking instead of announcing what next post is going to be, I'll just give a few-sentence summary of what I plan on bringing to the table next time we meet (hence the 'in other news' at the bottom).

So that's it for now.
Peace & Love.

In other news: I get to find out if I'm getting a job! I've been out of work since August 1st and it's been driving me mad!! I've tried so hard to get another one and don't regret quitting, but it's just been such a pain trying to get my foot in the door anywhere else now. I'm calling the places I've applied for over last week to see if any want me. Because I want them. Badly.